Here's to the morning

You are the second cup of coffee, that I reach for after I am fully awake.

wanting not your frivolous caffeine boost.....

.....Wanting only the enjoyment of you.

Mornings such as this one are priceless to me. The aches in my back and feet, and the sleep in my eyes remind me that I'm living. The sound of 20's jazz and the ache of Louis Armstrong's raspy voice fill my ears. Reminding me that there is indeed reason to carry on.

Rhythm, musical alliteration, staccato's and fortunado's, chord clashes and swing shoe laces. Jazz, you rest so close to my soul. Especially on a morning such as this. Sunlight beaming through the glass pane window, foreshadowing the triple digit day to come. The old yellow labrador asleep on the kitchen floor.

Ahh Life. Drink it up.

Just like this coffee, it's what I make it.

-Kyle

Healed

He walked through the doorway, out of the waiting room, and into one of our patient rooms. He was wearing worn out leather boots, a once white undershirt, now stained yellow. And a pair of overalls with one strap still hooked.

The man, aged now to his middle fifties, used his left hand to unwrap the bandages on his right. I was sitting there in the room with him, pulling out the stitches that had for two weeks held together what was left of his index and pinky finger. and I looked up to find a huge smile on his face. "They're healin' up!" he exclaimed. "Sure are!" I said monotonously.

I showed little excitement in my voice because I had assumed his hand would be considerably better. It was then, in that moment that I realized.....This man is becoming well again.

this man, once broken, now restored, was seeing his critical wounds heal right before his eyes.

right before both our eyes.

my heart fell to my feet. I re-dressed his wounds. He shook my hand and walked out the doorway.

"I helped that man get well" was the one thought that consumed my mind like a mid-July wildfire.

And in it's simplicity, that realization, that thought....saved my life.

healed,

Kyle

someday I'll fly (hello fm the midwest)

There will come a day. some day. when I fly up out of here.

I'm going to blow the lid off of this one bedroom life. They'll probably need to re-roof.

You see, this is my temporary home. this isn't mrs. "right." this is mrs. "right now"

Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar.

Someday I'll be so damn much more.

Cause' I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.

(though it does give credit all too generously)

I can't wait to leave this place. I can't wait to live out the wonder that I know is in my future.

But even though I CAN'T wait.....I'll have to.

Sink slow,

live on the low,

love the future,

pray for snow

weather man says it'll be a' hundred the next three days.

-sitting quietly in the mid-west,

-Kyle

Thinking of you

~My Love,

I realize that by now you're thinking I don't exist.

You're thinking that the man you've so longed and hoped for is nothing more than a myth of your imagination, and that he'll never actually show. Believe me dear, I know how you feel. If a thousand stars lined the ceiling of this bedroom, your eyes would put them to shame.

If you are walking, keep walking.

If you are running, run still.

If you are breathing, breath deep.

If you are hoping, keep hoping.

If you are weary, don't close your eyes.

For I am still running, searching, falling, loving, dancing, laughing, and walking.....every day toward you. May my love keep you still, though we are oceans apart. May you wager another day, in this battle we fight. Until your face I see.

yours,

Words to live by (courtesy of Una Vita Bella)

i came across a list someone had made called "wisdom of the soul." i loved the idea, so decided to start my own list, using some of their ideas and some of mine. here are the ones i have now. feel free to add on and maybe i will do another post like this in the future.

things i've learned:

1. no one can ruin your day, without your permission.

2. most people will be as happy as they decide to be.

3. others can stop you temporarily but only you can stop yourself permanently.

4. whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.

5. success stops when you do.

6. you will never "have it all together."

7. life's biggest lie: "when i get what i want, i will be happy."

8. the best way to escape your problem, is to solve it.

9. "takers" lose and "givers" win.

10. if you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

11. we often fear the thing we want the most.

12. look for opportunities, not guarantees.

13. you do not have to attend every argument you're invited to.

14. stop waiting for things to get better -- make it happen for yourself.

15. never make yourself believe you don't deserve something.

16. if God brought you to it, He'll get you through it.

17. most people are just as insecure as you are.

18. YOU limit yourself.

19. be kind. everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

20. don't write people off immediately. my closest friends are the ones i thought i would never have anything in common with.

21. TRY. how else will you ever know?

22. if you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always got.

23. life is about change. nothing will ever be the same as it is right now.

**

beautiful photography by K. on flickr

post via Una Vita Bella

If there were a metaphor for R-A-N-T (insert here)

I most truly believe that whomever first created the idea of web blogs, and/or blogging had the intention to use such a tool as a means to vent. So, as to follow in the footsteps of blogging's founders, I'd like to say the following....

Being a jerk does not make you any cooler of a person. It makes you a jerk. The glory and self fulfillment that you get when putting others down, is a load of crap. It shows that you have a self confidence problem, and that you never had your chance to be the bully on the playground in Elementary school. So next time you think you're feeling witty.....spare the world, because though I may not speak for everyone, I can certainly speak for myself in saying "I don't want to hear your self glorifying word vomit."

Now that things have been cleared up....

Lately I've been in a pinch, bind, or whatever other metaphor you'd call BROKE.

In an effort to boycott the corrupted university housing department, I have moved off of campus. My issue however, does not result as a problem with the physical moving of my things, but as a result of everyone wanting my check book. Pay for water and electric monthly? Sure, I'll do that. Pay a $100 start-up fee to each? No, I'll defecate down the street for a while.

Here's a little message in a bottle for everyone who's reaching for my hard earned, college-broke, full time student, try to be nice to you MONEY.....

-If you think you'll beat me, you're wrong.

-If you think you'll have my money, you're twice wrong.

-If you think I'm going to be mad at you for asking for my money, you are THREE times wrong. I realize you're working for $7.25/ hourly with a company who wants my money, in an effort to support your own family. So don't worry City Utility lady....I'll still wave at you.

Taking a break, taking a breath, and moving past it,

Kyle

Life: Love: and the pursuit of our other half.

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

-via John

2003 Jeep 4x4

I am so proud of my new vehicle. Lots of hard work to finally get here.

Why I woke up this morning

This is why I'm pissed.

Today was the greatest day.

Today I realized a lot. contrary to my thoughts of late, there are still so many wonderful people to share this life with. I'm glad that I can escape to the city, and feel life in my veins. Feel hot summer air rush through the open windows of my car. And still hear laughter in the background.

Today was....great.

-Love my friends,

Kyle

The Book of Matthew

"⁴And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.⁵For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.⁶And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. ⁷For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in diverse places. ⁸All these are the beginning of sorrows."

-Matthew Chapter 24

-sound like cnn.

"People get ready, Jesus is coming"

this is it. this is explanation.

“I love you not because of who you are,

but because of who I am when I am with you.”

- Go Here

and bask in some of that good old stuff.

-If your love was music it would be a sweet sweet jazz.

To the heart's who've been there.

"One regret, dear world,
That I am determined not to have
When I am lying on my deathbed
Is that
I did not kiss you enough"

-Hafiz

Guilty. Guilty i am of taking the true love of another, and giving nothing in return. Guilty I stand. However, so many days have passed since that day. So many nights sleep has been robbed from my bed.

so many lessons came from so little sleep. Time to think. Time to be tortured by thoughts on the disbelief of my own actions.

she did love me. I almost loved her.

-The problem is the gap that is painted in between those two sentences. I lived in that gap. i thrived in that gap. It was the lung from which i awoke and drew air every morning. did i love her?

In some ways, maybe.

There was always a distinction between what was and what i knew could be. Perhaps i loved her like a lit match. i was struck, ignited, burned bright and exciting! Then the flame began to grow lower and lower, until it was a small steady flame. all the while growing closer and closer to the hand it would burn.

-But i tell this now, because i could not tell this then. I had no idea the depth of the situation i had blown to smitherines....a situation we all too often get caught in. I know now that i am better to have loved, better to have been loved, and best to have lost love. (here comes the kicker, you might want to sit down for this)

-because sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone.

But thank goodness it's gone!! because NOW NOW NOW!! we know what we have!

- you love and you love and you LOSE. and that is great. that is wonderful. because for every rock we stumble on, we fall that much farther down the path of our life.

It's a good thing i had more than one match in my box.

-Because i'm afraid i've lit a fire.

-A fire that is equivalent to sweet tea on summer nights.

-The breeze that blows through the pasture at 2am right before the dew falls.

-The rumble that shakes the ground and the whistle that pierces the darkness when the midnight train rolls through Depew, Ok.

-That feeling you feel when you look up at the stars and know, for fact fact fact, that your God does exist,

-and though you're physically minuscule when compared the mass of the universe,

-all at the same time you have found love enough to fill it.

so if you are one of the souls, who has loved, and loved, and lost. be glad, you're better for it. And you have no idea, what is still to come your way.

-Wednesday morning,

Kyle

then, when it seems

we will never smile again,

life comes back

-meg fee

tonight, excitement flushes through my veins,

my soul set a'blaze.

Today has been great. Tonight today gets better.

update to come.

-Daisy