Life: Revised Edition

It's been a year. It has been one year.

Since my entire world, and everything I knew.......collapsed.

It's been a year since I took life for granted. So many things have changed.

I have learned so much about myself. It's comparable to the movie "Twister" (one of my favorites of all time) when they finally get the Dorothy machine to fly and they've got more raw data from the flying censors inside the tornado than they can analyze.

My entire world, turned upside down. One year ago.


"When you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose."

My life's canvas was completely wiped clean. And for 4 months I stared at a blank white slate. Wondering what would become of my life. What I learned though, is that you cannot simply stare at a blank canvas.....and wonder when the day will come. When your dream will come. When your life will begin to rebuild itself.

You must get up. No matter how hard of a fall you've taken, or how damaged you are, if there is still breath in your lungs.....you must rise again.

The psychological truth about the way we store memories: the farther away (in chronological time) that memories become from the present, the less they haunt our minds. At first, you thought about her every hour. Where she was. If she was safe. If you were safe. The shock factor. Eventually, you may think about her once per day. Once every six hours. Before you know it.....four days have passed and she hasnt crossed your mind.

I suppose this is what they meant when "they" say "Time heals all wounds."

They got it wrong. Time does not heal anything. Time creates scar tissue. Scar tissue that fills in holes left in our souls. The thing about scar tissue, is that it's highly avascular (lacks blood supply) and it often has very few nerve endings. Those are the traits of a physical scar. And like physical scars, psychological scars that fill the holes in our souls have the same traits. Very few nerve endings. Very little feeling.

Somewhere I ran off track...



I made some wrong decisions.

I toyed with hearts when I wasn't ready.....and I created hurt. For those things, and to those individuals (who will certainly never see this post) I apologize.

But.....step by step (since my last post in February) I've slowly rebuilt my life. From the foundation upward. It is by no means a complete structure again. It isn't livable......but the foundation has been laid. The walls are up. The roof is on. My feet are dry. My home is warm.

I cannot begin to explain on this blog everything I have learned in the past year. This is not the time or the place to try and do that. I can only say that there is hope. There were days, yes, when all hope was lost. But it seemed that something burning deep within my soul has kept me going, even on those hardest of days. A flame.

In my heart I carry a warm flame. Such flame has been doused with water time and time again.....but it continues to burn. I must persevere. That is what I hear, when I listen to my heart.

As I continue to listen to that flame, I must remind myself of how far I've come. In the year 2015. As I sat, this time last year, without a glimpse of hope......I would have never imagined that I would not only be allowed to return to school to finish a second degree, but that I would do so and graduate Magna Cum Laude. I have been blessed, yes. Blessed with a supporting family, and a few friends that I believe truly care about me. But more importantly burns this flame. Which water, nor tears have been able to extinguish.

I have one task left, in rebuilding my life. The licensure examination. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that once I receive my licensure......the flame in my soul is going to burst into a wild fire, eliminating even the darkest corners of the forest through which I walk. It could take a month. It could take a year. But one thing's for certain.....they've never met another motherfucker like me.....and they'll never meet another one again.

The last chapter has not yet been written. This is My Life: Revised Edition.

K