The sickness of Love and Relationship

Why do we do it?

Why do we choose to unconditionally give our whole heart to another human being and allow them to bury it deep within their bones. Why do we wrap around one another like grape vines. Like two trees who choose to grow together and wrap each other so tightly that we strangle the blood from one another's veins.

We do these things....because we're human. We're souls. And most of us have a deep longing (or at least fantasy) of finding the perfect monogamous love.

I've lived out every fucking John Mayer song that I could have ever imagined with the love of my life. And while it wasn't always perfect.....it was always perfect.

We have a tendency to be either runners or clingers. Most of us, when faced with trying times during the course of our relationships either choose to run....or we choose to cling. Cling for dear life. Cling for dear love. Cling to hope, a pillow that still smells like your hair, a blanket that we both once wrapped ourselves tightly together in. Tightly together for many years.

Or we run. We pull up every root (which often does collateral damage to the earth where we once lived) and we pack the leaves of life's trees in suitcases that fit perfectly into the trunk of our car. And we run like hell. On to the next life.....the next 'set of good times'.....We run to comfort, we run to the past, we run into the abyss....because we'd rather inflict pain by being gone than work through what surely has become a painful situation. We blow the bridges of our lives with C4 live viet-fucking-nam. And we run...

I was a clinger and she was a runner. Somehow we tend to pair up. I can't explain the depth with which I loved my wife. I realize I could sit and think of one million reasons why things would be better off if we were separate rather than together. But I could in the same sitting, with one glance into her eyes, give you five million reasons why it would be better to stay in love, and stay together.

If you could bottle up all of the giddy emotions you feel when you first fall in love with someone....the giddy emotions of later marrying the love of your life....the intense emotions of intimacy. All of these emotions and their intensity have a dark side. Just as there is light in the day, and darkness in the night....all of these emotions have their polar opposite. It starts with one word:

"I want a Divorce."

When you hear her say that....and you know she means it....get ready for the hardest emotional battle of your life. Darkness and evil begin to emerge and replace that soft face you once pressed against your chest and vowed to love forever (a vow that still stands, by the way). I cannot begin to explain the emptyness, the rock-hard heartedness, and the emotional toil that one sentence can bring a person's soul. If ever there was a reason God intended us to be life long monogamous partners.....this could well be it. To keep us from having to feel this evil which has been hung between the two pieces of our soul.

We never pursued God as a couple. We didn't pray together. We didn't go to church together. There was no need to. Both of our souls were filled to the brim with love for one another. So much that there wasn't room for anything else in our minds. I loved her more than I loved God. Any day of the week. I was a slave to anything she could want. And I loved it that way....because it made her happy. And if she was happy......I was content. Happy.

As I hit rock bottom on the floor of a jail cell just a few days after Christmas....I thought of God. I thought maybe the lack of his presence in my life was what had brought all of this about. And if my mental argument of "is there a God" ever seemed to waiver toward "No".........there was one thing I couldnt deny. Evil had gained a foothold in our home.

Satan exists. Aint no denying that. I watched lazily as he crawled into my home and tore everything I loved apart. For 5 weeks now I've just been living in the aftermath.

As hands were laid on my shoulders yesterday by one of my closest friends in the parking lot of Red Robin, I felt the fire of God's voice burn through my veins like acid. "Come home, my son."

All I want is my wife. But God knows.....ohhh how he knows.....that if he gave her back to me, I'd surely continue on a path in the direction that is not him. I would not seek his face.....if I had her back. I would begin again, more than ever, to worship her rather than him.

I trust that God knows what he's doing.....but in the mean time my soul sure is ridden with pain. It's like having a stomach full of rocks. The weight. The pain. The emptyness. All day. Every day.

I'm going to do what he ask of me. I'm going to seek his face.....and see what happens. Its not going to be easy and it's probably not going to happen within the walls of anyones church. But Im going to seek him. That is for sure.